Happy Early Easter!

In honor of Easter and the Cadbury egg (my favorite Easter treat) I thought I'd post this for anyone who hasn't seen it. Because it's awesome. http://www.aglassandahalffullproductions.com/

An evening in the Big Blue Twilight Zone

I enjoy the passion with which my husband's family roots for their team. As a transplant Texan in a town where you could be a fan of any number of winning or losing teams (here, VOLS, Commodores, Rebels, and sundry superfans live together in one mega-melting pot of fandom) I can appreciate that in Lexington, Kentucky, there is only one team you watch and one team you root for. There is a simplicity and dependability in this not found in most facets of life. This past weekend we went up to hang with husband's fam, and I couldn't help but be, to borrow my grandmother's phrase-ology--tickled, at the turn of events.


Background: It's the SEC men's basketball tournament in Atlanta, and Kentucky is supposed to play, but due to tornadoes whipping through the area the game has been postponed and everyone's just kind of standing around eating nachos. There's a lot of talk about getting people in and out safely, if the bad weather that's already come through will return, etc. etc. This goes on for hours, and they finally decide to put the game off until the next afternoon. The camera crews literally go around interviewing the same three people for two hours, and they keep saying the same thing. I find this hilarious, but no one else in the room seems to notice the hilarity. They seem to be watching silently a) in reverence to the team b) in hopes that they will catch a snippet of pulitzer prize winning journalism on this subject c) their brains were stolen by aliens while I was in the bathroom.

When it gets interesting: When it's all said and done the 11 o'clock news has become the 12:00 am news, and I'm thinking to myself, finally, some other topics of discussion! There's only so much you can say about a game that never happened and a storm that has done some damage, mostly in other parts of Atlanta. But then a few minutes into the news I realize something: every area of news is revolving around Kentucky basketball. Again I look around to see if anyone is noticing the hilarity, but everyone is just glued to the tv. The news went a little something like this:
Lindy Binderton:"Our top story tonight is on the tornadoes that whipped through Atlanta postponing the game indefinately. Fans are pissed! We're pissed here at the newsdesk! Let's get a look at the weather..."
Weatherman Thompson:"Thanks, Lindy. You can see the path of the storm as it moved through the metropolitan Atlanta area hours ago. There could be more storms hitting the outskirts later on this hour. If that happens it could affect where the Cats play tomorrow. Back to you, Bob" (notice how the weather in the actual city where we are, Lexington, never comes up!)
Bob: "Let's head over to the streets of downtown Lexington, where Lot Smiley has seen how the fans are reacting. Lot?"
Lot: "Bob, you can see the streets of downtown behind me, are not in their usual bustling state (it is a well known fact that the downtown streets of Lexington are never bustling.) When fans in the bars downtown found out the game had been postponed until tomorrow, I witnessed them stare at the television. They couldn't believe it. Some of them were surprised (PS, this would only be news if you are a fan, heard the news, and set yourself on fire or jumped out a nearby window. Continuing to watch the program you were watching is not news.) Back to you Lindy!"
Lindy: "Let's go to a commercial break"
*All of the local commercials feature Kentucky's Basketball coach, holding a sandwich, standing in front of a car, and kissing babies. It's sort of eerie, like that movie where John Ritter is stuck in the tv and stars in every show that's on? You know the one. He (Billy, not John) must make a boatload in promo/endorsement money.*
Lindy: "Now let's go to the director of the tournament, who's standing by..."And on and on for the rest of the newscast.

Postscript: The Cats went on to lose to UGA the following day in a heartwrenching overtime. UGA would win the tournament,
but Kentucky's fans, and the team, will be back. And when they are, you can bet Lexington we'll be covering it, round the clock, in it's entirety, with only kentucky basketball coach (tell em billy sent ya!) approved commercial breaks. That's how they do it up there.

My Friend, Don't Be A Jerk...

My wife and I are nice people. Believe it or not, we don't suplex people for not turning their phone on vibrate in the movies (though we should) or slap a fool for jumping in line on the ski lift or anything ridiculous like that. I'm a firm believer in the good cop approach. But I'll tell ya' it always helps to have that ONE friend who loves to be the bad cop. I don't understand the people out there who refuse to be cool. It's like Desperado, they have to settle the score with someone, anyone, EVERYONE. Which brings me to my current confessional. I have always worked in a business somehow closely related with the very people I'm speaking of. I'll be nice to anyone. I'll try to help you. I'll get you what you want, even if it's incredibly annoying. Are you the diner who wants water, no ice, extra lemons, three straws, plenty of Splenda, and all the free chips and salsa you can eat? No problem! Coming right up! Are you allergic to everything to the point where you really shouldn't have left your protective sweet-ass human sized bubble and venture out but you just HAD to have that specialty dish your way? Hey, it's not on the menu buddy, but I'm gonna make that happen because you're special. And don't kid yourself killer, I'll be happy to talk to UPS because they didn't get your microphone to your movie set in time (even though you gave me the wrong address).
But don't be a dick about it. It's not my fault that the figurative you happen to be high maintenance individuals. I'm a problem solver baby. After kickin' it 40 hours a week, you might be surprised to learn that I don't work a second job because I think it rocks. I have a good time with restaurant folk though and we're a hearty bunch. If you, the diner play your cards right, we're gonna have some drinks, some snacks, and get through this together, having a relatively fun time while we do it. In case anyone was wondering, my sweet wife doesn't slog around at her second job after changing autistic kid's lives so you can be annoying and ugly to her while she makes an hourly wage.
I think people forget what it's like to just be cool. That the working class (and I mean ANYONE who works) is gonna be way quicker to help you the customer out if you're just nice and you smile and don't freak out about little problems that crop up. I read somewhere that it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile. I don't know if that's true. But just remember it's way easier for me to help the nice, relaxed person before I go the extra mile for the jerk off. But if you insist to being THAT guy (or girl) then roll for Initiative, pal. Because I came here to do two things; kick ass and eat Gummy Bears...

Where the *&$%@ Did They Go?

I make no apologies for my nostalgia. Which is why after my last post (and my unwillingness to admit that legally I'm an adult) I thought of a few more things have just flat disappeared. These aren't in any particular order of time, nearness to my heart, or preference, I'm just wondering what where they went.

1) You Can't Do THAT On Television - Buckets of slime dropping from the sky, kids popping out of lockers, a younger less bitter Alanis Morissette. Why isn't this show on DVD and why did it even go off the air?
2) Colorforms - Somehow, putting reusable stickers on the same background board was hours of endless fun. Cheap, wholesome fun. I will gladly give my remaining 6 1/2 Garbage Pale Kid's cards to the person that finds the fascist that took Colorforms off the market and punches them in the neck.
3) Casey's Countdown - Back when pop music really used to mean something... There's nothing better than Shaggy telling you to "Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.
4) Music Videos - For all you whippersnappers, MTV used to actually play videos. Full videos. I know. Wacky.
5) Craig Kilborn - Mark in Old School? Hello? If you see this guy, tell him to call me. I want to know where he is and what he's doing.
6) Double Dare - There's a recurring theme here. Nickelodeon and Slime. But this was family fun. Now we're subjected to My Dad's Better Than Your Dad. Thanks Studio Execs!
7) Big Wheels - The legit Big Wheel has gone the way of the Dodo. Try to find one with a handbrake.
8) Network Sign Offs - I don't want to buy your shit from 2am til 6am if I happen to be up. Just give me an F-15 and the Star Spangled Banner. We'll call it even.
9) Tears For Fears - (Thanks to Rob for reminding me of this) A mini tour in 2007 was the last we heard of these guys after almost 20 frakkin' years! Inconceivable!
10) High Dives - Public Pools don't have 'em anymore. There's no excuse for this. Now if I wanna do something extreme, I have screw up my courage and knock off a bank.

Thoughts? Discoveries? Emotionally-charged Responses?

The Good Old Days

It makes me sad that things that used to be so very awesome when I was just a squirt are nowhere near as cool, or delicious, or fun now that I'm "all grown up". I'm wondering, is it me? Generally being a glass half full kind of guy however, I've found there's still quite a few things that are just as badass as they were when we were younger. But the bad news first;
First off is Cereal. Several blasphemers recently tried to convince me that Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch was the real McCoy of breakfast delights when they were kids. This was apparently the best dessert cereal that God gave to man. I was always a sugar cereal fan when I was a kid, and I was a HUGE fan of the OG Cap'n Crunch. I figured maybe the PB version was worth checking out. I did, it sucks, stick with the red box, you'll thank me later (if you the cereal makers can't even shape your peanut butter wannabe puff like the standard Crunch pillow, we have nothing to discuss in the breakfast department).
It pains me to say that next on the list is Saturday Morning Cartoons. Namely because landmark programs like GI Joe, Transformers, Looney Toons and Gem aren't on anymore. And don't think that I don't check often to make sure. Shows like He-Man aren't the cream of the crop anymore, but we still get valuable lessons at the end of every episode like "Skeletor lost because he was a fascist". Where'd the values go? Bring back the shows that made us procrastinate doing our weekend chores!
Driving is also on the list. Remember just counting the days til you got your license? And how awesome it felt to grab the keys to the Mazda 626 and hit the road? Well those days are over. Somehow between 1996 and today, EVERYONE forgot how to merge, learned how to text on the road, and bought Hummers. Lindsey and I are counting the days til we sell our cars and hit the Subway in NYC!
So is this just because I'm getting older you ask? HELLS NO! I have irrefutable proof that I can still appreciate some good stuff from our youth;
Like Pudding Pops (when you can find them). Pudding Pops are still the most excellent of frozen treats. You can argue, but I'll sic Bill Cosby on your ass. Caprisun is awesome, just ask my wife. She loves the astronaut drink pouches! The Rocketeer is still a movie that makes me feel magical. I saw it as a kid, bought it as an adult and it holds up. Even now I want to get a rocket pack and kick some Nazi butt. Lego's are just as awesome as you remember (but now they have Batman, Starwars, and Indiana Jones sets). And regular Nintendo will still bring a smile to the most sour of faces (until I smoke their ass in Tecmo Bowl--hut hut hut hut hut hut hut!)
I'm not jaded or overly cynical. Sometimes I just miss those days when everything was equally awesome under the less harmful sun in a cell phone free world where my Knight Rider big wheel was gettin' 40 miles to the gallon of grape Kool Aid. Oh yeah!