The BIGGEST News of '09?

So here we are kids. It's a new year, we've got a new President, the economy is in shambles, people are losing their jobs left and right, foreclosures are sky-rocketing, a ridiculous percentage of Americans don't have or can't afford healthcare, and yet some of the biggest news of the year has only JUST surfaced this week. No I'm not referring to LOST and Battlestar Galactica starting their new seasons (though we all know that's probably the MOST important thing to happen this year yet).

Recently, it's come to the attention of the masses that some of celebrities out there are just going bananas. It's a shocker. But what's more shocking to me is how much of this stuff is actually "news". First off, multi-gold medal winning Michael Phelps has been "caught" smoking a bong by some super-sleuth with a cell phone camera. Now if that wasn't bad enough, the bong was loaded with economy crashing, terrorist producing, tv show ending wonder weed and everything we know and love is going to be destroyed when Phelps takes to the seas and covers all the lands in this skunky pestilence from his genetically engineered super lungs. Am I the only one who really doesn't care if Michael Phelps took a hit or two?

The guy is 23 years old. Yes he got a DUI when he was 19. I suppose I'm a better person because at least I waited until two weeks before I turned 21 to get mine. Aqua-boy has made a couple of questionable decisions obviously. Do we really need to devote any more time to this matter? Sadly, it appears we do. Now despite the fact that the gilled giant has apologized for his acting in a "youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner that people have come to expect from [him]" and the fact that he never tested for ANY drug use while he was competing, it's not enough for some of the butt-hurt masses of Phelps fans. The same people who were fist-pumping on their couches in front of their flat-screens when Phelps was bringing home the Olympic cheddah, are the same jerk-weeds who are writing to newspapers and mounting up with the morality police about the fact that this kid had the audacity to go out and inhale from an instrument of marijuana dispensation.

He's young, he's been competing for AMERICA to take people's minds off how crap-tastical things have been for however long, and he let loose. I'm just gonna throw this out there and brace yourselves, folks; IT'S PROBABLY NOT THE FIRST TIME HE'S GONE ALL CYPRESS HILL ON THE DEVIL GRASS! But Sam! He's a celebrity! What about his moral responsibilities to the public and the kids who look up to him? Well, what about our responsibility to tell those kids that sometimes people make mistakes and we shouldn't judge them?

In other "news" Batman can now be heard dropping F-bombs with unbridled british abandon on some crew during the filming of McG's (don't even get me started) Terminator: Salvation. If you haven't heard this MP3 yet, I suggest immediately going out and changing your ringtone to Christian Bale's rant. The facts of this are; Bale blasts Cinematographer Shane Hurlbut during a take when the guy apparently walked through his sight line, Bale goes on for almost 4 minutes and uses such terms as "kick your effin' a$$" and "eff's sake man, you're amateur." It's really quite fantastic. Up there with the David O. Russel / Lily Tomlin FREAK OUT on the set of "I Heart Huckabees." Thanks You-tube! So was the Caped Crusader out of line? I don't know, ya'll. I haven't been on the set of a multi-million dollar blockbuster with multi-million dollar actors and directors who have names that sound like McDonald's sandwiches yet. I think it'd be annoying to have someone fiddling with equipment in front of me while I was trying to do a scene that was/is apparently integral to the development of John Connor, the character that Bale plays in the movie. And yes, there was some trouble last year with Bale apparently getting into a scuffle with his mom when she insulted his wife or some such nonsense but it seems to have gotten brushed under the Tumbler if you will.

There's a distinct possibility though that this Hurlbut guy shouldn't have been doing what he'd been doing. That he should have stayed off the set and out of the scene while they were shooting. We're always real quick to pounce on celebrities because they're so accessible to tear down. For the record I have no problem with Jessica Simpson's weight. Tom Cruise may be one intense Scientologist, but I loved "Jerry MaGuire" and "The Last Samurai" so he's cool in my book.

Maybe Christian Bale is a maniac. Maybe he's just really serious about his work. Maybe Michael Phelps is a devil-worshipping, drunk-driving, pothead. Or maybe, just maybe he's human afterall.

The real thing that bothers me are the d-bags that release this stuff onto the internet machine. The guy at the party where Phelps was who thought he could make a quick buck by tearing dolphin-man down, or the Soundman on Terminator: Salvation who let that clip "get out." Yes I might be talking about you, Nigel Albermaniche. It's at times like this when I remember the wise words of a famous New York city cop who said, "Now, you listen to me...if you're not a part of the solution, you're a part of the problem. Quit being a part of the problem...!

We got real problems to worry about these days, guys and dolls. I for one am gonna make an honest effort to be a bigger part of the solution in '09. And for the record, the jury's still out about that whole Phelps being human thing...