Nuggets and Critters and Rugrats! Oh my!

There's recently been a number of people in my life who have spawned. It's crazy to see people that you literally crawled out of bars with, now as parents. It's even crazier to see what cute little kiddykens those same people can create and that all that alcohol didn't leave them with three-eyed, nine-toed, monkey genes. So aside from witnessing secondhand, the general craziness of bringing 'bitty humans into this wacky uncertain world, I've been privy to conversations with these new mommies and daddies. This has started me thinking about some issues though. Not the least of which being that Lindsey and I are new and proud God-parents. This ultimately means that if my best friend and his wife are randomly sucked into a blackhole along with everyone with blood ties to them, who are more responsible than us, we'd be responsible for a little girl! Parenting is obviously a responsibility of epic proportion so I was glad to know that these new parents are already thinking about some of these relevant issues.
There are a number of things these people are going to have to do for and explain to their kids. This goes beyond the birds and the bees, why you shouldn't eat Chef Boyardee for every meal (you'll get scurvy) and the intricacies of UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, Start. More than just "Hey little Johnnie, it turns out smacking Tyson in the face with that t-ball bat was funny, but not very nice" and "You know Suzy, you shouldn't exchange sexual favors for intravenous drugs" but the real McCoy. Things that could really affect these little impressionable minds for the rest of their days.
Thinking back on my own childhood, I find myself remembering the seminal experiences and memories that I have and where they actually came from. Specific things stand out like the scar I got on the back of my head from a priest or my fairly horrid first french kiss (and no, those things didn't coincide in ANY way, shape or form). Many of these memories are contained in this kind of nebulous brain mush that I get to slog around in when I hear a certain song or see certain movies.
For these new parents, the gauntlet has been thrown down. They are charged with making sure their kids get a wholesome and well-rounded education of culture so they don't end up being latte-drinking-top 40 listening-SUV driving-Myspace addicted zombies that the world wants them to be. This is a huge deal! There are a lot of choices out there for new parents. For instance, now that we have six Star Wars movies out there, spanning almost 30 years of cinematic technological improvements, what order is the new generation going to watch the Holy Trilogies in? A lot people may think, "I should show my kids these movies from The Phantom Menace to Return of the Jedi because that's how they're numbered." While this will be the parent's prerogative, 1-6 is a monumentally BAD idea and any parent caught subjecting their innocent young ones to such an abomination should be beaten with a tube sock filled wood screws!
Those kids will think the new trilogy is great because it LOOKS better than the original and this is a valid argument for uninformed, undeveloped minds. They won't have a problem with sappy dialogue, and poor character development and they may even grow up thinking Jar Jar Binks is cooler than Han Solo. This will inevitably lead to relentless taunting when those kids whose parents had the foresight to screen the movies in the right order (how WE all saw them, 4-6, then 1-3 if you're fuzzy about numbers) find out little Billy likes to dress as a floppy eared, bumbling jackass and speak in gibberish around the end of every October. Those new trilogy kids will most likely grow up to be bad tippers, know-it-alls, or people who think Crash really did deserve an Oscar and you know whose fault it's gonna be? The parents.
The point is that there are things kids need to experience as kids. They need to be properly grounded in music appreciating The Beatles, Led Zeppelin and the John Denver and the Muppets Christmas (go ahead and laugh communist) to understand where things came from. They're gonna need to watch The Goonies before the age of 10, go camping with the family, ride rollercoasters and get their knees scraped because that's the stuff that goes into being a kid. All us well rounded folk are gonna be fine parents cause we'll remember the cool stuff that we did when we were wee ones. We'll know that some of that cool stuff was done because our parents had the mental mileage accumulated to know that that's what we should be doing. As for my unborn little ones, I quote a friend of mine who said, "My kid's always gonna be the coolest person I know, even if he can't say the same for me." But I know we're gonna have a lot of fun together. So to all all you new parents out there, Good night and Good luck. I gotta go start making some lists...